Hesitant to confront her hostility and mood swings, they feared doing so would damage her self-esteem. After examining their assumptions and demands, and careful thought and preparation, they warmly but resolutely insisted that she do all her schoolwork nightly and put her life in order. Moreover they told her that they were going to see to it that she changed by tracking her carefully.
Things did not change over night.
Holding your ground
Leading is a major function of parenting. Folding, giving up and giving in in the face of resistance is something parents cannot afford to do. No matter how bewildering or difficult the situation, adults need to take the lead and act from strong positive convictions. When parents do, good things happen. When they don't, things get worse.
All children need, respect, and rely on strength. It makes them feel safe. Think of the parent, teacher, coach, scoutmaster, or supervisor or mentor who influenced you most, and you will probably remember that person as strong, involved, and perhaps tough, but fair.
So be a little tough. Stake out boundaries and lay out the changes that must unequivocally happen. Then back up what you say and do not fold.
The inevitable challenge
Renata, at first, furiously resisted being told what to do or having her activities monitored. Gradually, however, when her parents held their ground, she began to change in line with their new demands and expectations.Why?
If an adolescent has been calling the shots, don't expect her to embrace a change warmly. Not at first, and not for a while. Besides not wanting to give up what she considered her freedom, Renata reacted by feeling that her parents had changed the rules. And to a degree, it was true.
She knew the "shoulds" from the real "have tos."
All kids know the difference between them. They dope out instantaneously what you think you are supposed to say from what you absolutely insist on.
So Renata's parents had to be ready to weather a storm and stay planted.
The balance point
While being firm is essential, you must avoid being adversarial. This is not a situation for throwing down the gauntlet and invoking a power struggle. Instead use insistence to become your child's ally and firm and knowledgeable guide.
You have probably unwittingly supported the old way. It may even be helpful for you to acknowledge this. But do not apologize for making the demand for change.
This was the mode Renata's parents followed. Three months later, she got a B+ in a class she had failed twice before. One year later, her grades had risen to an A- average, she had published an essay in a magazine and was elected to a student body office.
The bottom line
You make a difference. The highest academic achievement and lowest incidence of depression, drug involvement, and problems with the law, occur when parents provide leadership by being warm and accepting, while having high expectations and being firm and insistent on the best from their children.