At the beginning of each new quarter, Daniel, 13, gifted and talented, vowed to do better in school. A burst of initiative followed, lasting as long as three weeks . Then he would miss an assignment or two, and stop working.

If his parents intervened, Daniel complained that they hassled him and made things worse. For a while past good starts had lulled his parents into thinking that they should back off.  Not any longer.

Daniel had settled into a style of persistently performing below his potential at school. This style affected schoolwork first then spread to hobbies, sports and other interests.

Making changes

To prevent this pattern, or change it once it has started, parents must do two things:

1) understand that a child’s work is his or her own responsibility, not theirs, and 2) assume responsibility for seeing to it that the child daily completes all of his or her schoolwork.

Why?  Since most underachieving kids do not consider it a requirement to complete homework, this is where to focus your efforts first.

If your child has been performing below par over time, you must make a clean break with the past and announce a new start. But to change this pattern, unequivocal insistence is the first key.  That means that as a parent you have to make it known, in a unmistakable fashion, that completing schoolwork is a non-negotiable requirement.

Done in a firm, clear, loving way, this insistence, boosts a child’s self-esteem because insisting in itself communicates an unstated belief in your child's capacities.  What's more, you are also saying that he or she is too good and too important to be mediocre.

If you are resolute about the new insistence, you convey that this is the only choice.  This means that you must unwaveringly follow through.  Asking your child, in effect, to develop persistence and consistency in his schoolwork, requires you to embody these same qualities in your approach.

And do not use threats or other “or else” statements. These not only create a negative, punitive atmosphere, implicitly, they also suggest that you anticipate that he or she may not follow your directives. If you want to indicate that your child has but one choice, don't suggest another option.

Better outcomes

When Daniel told me he would like to do better but felt he couldn't, I worked with him and his parents on a comprehensive strategy to support Daniel in making good on his desire.

In a period of two quarters, Daniel's outlook, dreams, and self-perceptions had significantly improved. He was happier and participated more in family activities.  He even did his chores with less prompting.

His grades?  The lowest were B's in PE and Spanish—he made the Honor Roll for the first time. At the end of the year he received an award for most improved seventh-grade student at his middle school.

Like Daniel, children usually resist changing at first. But where parents are warm, firm, insistent and involved, children begin to flourish and achieve the good feelings that go with successfully meeting challenges and fully engaging in their lives